Do me a favor: Do your trauma work!

We often underestimate the depth of childhood trauma in individuals we choose for a partner; if we treat them with love, grant them safety, and court them right, we can somehow live happily ever after.

We forget that their childhood, with its complex and deep-rooted traumas, is the biggest roadblock to having a healthy relationship.

Just hear me out here.

Suppose you grant your partner, who grew up in a chaotic household, love and stability. In that case, they will reject it and subconsciously sabotage your love and stable relationship for the chaotic familiarity from their childhood. Love and stability are foreign concepts to their subconscious mind.

If their caregivers treated them with hostility, criticism, and cruelty, that is what "feels right" to them when they seek a potential partner. They would want a partner that embodies the same behavior towards them in their adult relationship. In other words, a red flag does not feel like a red flag when it feels like home.

However, if you give love and stability to a partner who grew up in a stable, loving, and functional household, they will naturally reciprocate your love.

In other words, for those of us with a dysregulated nervous system, a calm and secure environment can feel unsettling. This is particularly true for those of us who grew up in a chaotic household, where the measure of success was often tied to productivity.

If we carry unresolved trauma, old wounds, unprocessed pain, and emotional baggage, we tend to live and function from a wounded state of mind. This affects how we operate in the workspace, as we may feel unworthy, not good enough, and insecure, leading us to overcompensate for the psychological wounds we carry.

I can't stress this enough: if we grew up in a chaotic household, our ego will lead us into chaotic relationships, workplaces, and situations. Our ego craves what is familiar, and familiarity is what feels safe to us.

Until we become conscious of our unconscious patterns, we will continue to fall into the same cycle and blame fate for our situation.

So do me this big favor, and do your inner (trauma) work!

🛑 Hawdy! My name is Dr. Helen Sairany. I am your trauma-informed coach. I support leaders & high achievers heal their trauma and old wounds. Subscribe to www.helensairany.com to learn more about my trauma-informed workforce certificate training.